Words Unspoken: In A State of Solitude

I always had that wish of leaving this place and living by myself even just for a month in a place where nobody knows me. The feeling has never been this stronger. Every now and then, one has the right to give oneself time to breath, to clear the mind and the heart and bring peace to the soul even a little bit against the forces that makes one's life struggling. To walk a different road, get lost in the crowd, think deeply as I stroll - but as circumstances are unfavorable, it will always remain as a wish.

I'm still a captive of that first one big failure I made more than a year ago. While others are making their way to the life they've always wanted, filling and achieving their bucket list, I was stranded. Dreams I could only dream, still beyond my reach. All that I have prayed for nothing has ever happened new, better, only negatively tough situations. More than a year, still I wasn't ready or I'M.NOT.GIVING.MY.BEST. 

They say good things come to those who wait. I keep waiting. I've been very patient. Joy comes when given the chance. But while a flicker of light could suddenly fill me with hope, the gust of the wind may not be onto my side. Slowly, light begins to fade away. I thought. I hoped. I waited. I'm back to the cycle. I'm about to face misery. I find myself doing the same things everyday. I was stuck in a loop. I start to not look forward tomorrow. I had nothing to anticipate.  Hope dies and there is no chance in waiting either in hoping. It was long enough.

People meant pain.

I believed that people who know me will understand or at least try to. I believed. Even if I knew they won't. And I was a fool for doing so. I should have kept in my mind that I will always be the one to pat my head and tell myself to believe in me. It pained me that I couldn't help my family be better but what cuts me deep is the fact that they tell me things that would make me feel heavy. Before, I would take things lightly and stayed cheerful. Now I dare not say anything. I don't have the right to complain and demand. They really don't understand any of what I've been going through. The nights when I couldn't sleep, times I've spent crying because I was so full of everything that I can't even show. Heavier than ever. I am near bursting and the only way I can prevent that from happening was to write about it. I've learned that sometimes you can't really depend much on people, to help and comfort you. Most of the time all you have is yourself. All that understands you is yourself. All that I can depend to was myself. 

I'm not great to be recognized, but at least I want to be appreciated for the little things I've done. It is as if all I did good was nothing now. I became a burden. They've expected much from me. I failed to meet them now. I am drowning in the pool of expectations from people all around me. And so they've attacked me at my weakness without knowing my strengths. Poor judgement from people who knew nothing but talked too much (if only these fellows knew how to look themselves in the mirror well, they'll see how rotten they are).But then I became ashamed of myself. I felt sorry for myself. I know my family is having a hard time talking to people who would ask about me. They're now ashamed of me too. I became a disappointment. My bed became my safest haven where I spent almost all of my time, my days. Only Sundays did I allow myself to breathe an air with people. I became afraid to show myself to the world like hiding in a cave where I can be safe from the monsters waiting outside. 

I am so down. There are so many things running through my mind. There is too much weight on my heart that these past days I can't anymore bear. I am so tired I lost interest on doing anything. Reading and writing loosen up a bit but there will still be a time that I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs on the top of a hill. I don't know when will this sadness subside. I sure know a thing, I need to do something to help myself. And when the time of my life that I've been praying for finally came, it will surely change everything, including this blog.